Like every kid, I was one who couldn’t wait to be a grownup. One big reason was being able to be free. To be able to do whatever I want. Freedom opens the doors to a wide variety of options and paths. For many, this is exciting to venture out in this new world. As for folx like me, this can be daunting and overwhelming.
And it’s not like you can be indecisive your whole damn life. If you did, you would be treated like a person of color caught up in today’s fucked up justice system.
“If you can’t make a choice, one will be appointed to you”.
Trust me, you’ll be disappointed with the choice given.
So, you dig deep (or not), follow your heart (or not), and make a choice. A decision to conduct your life this way or choose this path. And you think, THIS SHIT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE! Maybe not instantly. In fact, it might not even work out.
God has a crazy sense of humor. Despite you having free will, the universe can cock block you from seeing the effects from the decision you made. And understandably, the creator might be saving you from an unforeseen disaster. But when you get intercepted several times, you get exhausted.
Let me talk for myself. I’m fucking exhausted.
To be more specific, I’m exhausted from the outcomes of several decisions concerning my living environment. This last one has got me trying to make the leap of living on my own.
I got a better job.
I saved some funds.
And after years of watching HGTV House Hunters and window shopping on Craiglist, I think I’m ready to find my own secret oasis aka a cute studio apt.
Why has it been such a struggle?
Too small. Too expensive. In west bumbafuk. Is this building even up to fucking code?
I’m not asking for a deluxe apt in the sky. Just a sliver of the pie. Every showing, ad and application has been extremely disappointing lately. And even though I am kind of person that stays positive and figure out different ways to freak the system, this has got me freaking out.
So now, fear kicks in. And I go from making a decision based on how I want to live my ideal life to “Fuck. Time is running out. Just take what’s there”. This is also known as settling.
I am a recovering settler. I’ve made decisions out of fear of being ‘shit out of luck’ so much, I’m pretty sure my mind had that shit on autopilot. Making a decision out of fear can cost you more strife, after the fact, than the discomfort of waiting on the expected outcome of the decision you initially want. Making a decision out of fear can prevent you from thriving the way you need to be.
In my case, the fear-based decisions I’ve chosen with my previous living arrangements had my encounter almost getting shot at a nearby drug bust, cleaning maggots, having a hole in my room, dealing with racist roommates, being bullied by roommates, getting my phone cord cut, break-ins, my shit being stolen, fights and friendship fallouts.
Trust me, these incidents and the negative energy of these spaces seeped into many other areas in my life such as my health, self-care, finances and social life. I have never quite felt comfortable in my living arrangements since I left my mama’s house in 2010. And if the space you lay your head and shut out the outside world is chaotic, how are you supposed to recharge yourself to face another day?
For 7 years, my growth has been stifled due to the outcomes of my fear-based living choices. And sure, you can say that all the bullshit I’ve faced has taught me lessons, made my skin thicker and whatever the fuck.
True. One huge lesson I learned through all this bullshit is to stand up for myself. But now, it’s time to put that lesson to work BEFORE making a decision than to implement it after the fact. And gaining thicker skin isn’t a good enough reason to wallow in a struggle. You deserve better. You deserve ease, peace, and happiness. And seeking and wanting those things doesn’t make you weak.
But I digress. Let’s get back to it shall we?
FREEDOM. Yes, freedom may feel daunting. There’s infinite choices to be made. Infinite pathways to explore. And yes, sometimes you may choose a path and the creator may make you put your shit in reverse.
But hey, life’s is really that scrap paper your math teacher gave you along with your test. It’s gonna be filled with mistakes scribbled or erased out. But you know what? Your right answer will come to you.